I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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