Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
