There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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