Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
