I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
