Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
