I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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