He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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