On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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