so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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