No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
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