so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
