either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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