sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
