I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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