I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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