She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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