I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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