Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
