Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
it's like heaven, but drunker
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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