I molested 6 butterflies tonight
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
