omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
