why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
