allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
