You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
