im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
