If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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