the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
