god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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