I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
