Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
