im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.