Define "chronic" masturbator.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
