Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Text me some of your sweat
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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