Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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