It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
