I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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