I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
and you fell through a lawn chair
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
