I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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