Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
