i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
