I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
