Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
