Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Alive.
So much puke
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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