I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
