a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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