Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
