is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
