Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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