I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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