I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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