she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
