So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I have feelings that need drinking.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
