If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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