Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
