I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
