he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
