I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
