He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
