Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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