I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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